My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
