I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
