when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
