member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
