Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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