life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
