I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
