nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
