Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
