i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
