The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
