you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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