i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
