Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
