The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Even my vagina gasped.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
