Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He better not be in your backpack
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
