So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
