I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
