Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
