Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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