i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
