First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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