is wine microwaveable?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
