I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
