So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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