why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i barfeds in our rink
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
