paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
