I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
