Christians are straight up FREAKS
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
