My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
