I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
did you just send me my own nude
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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