That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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