We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
