I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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