It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
