You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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