they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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