i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
