We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
