will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
