I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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