I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
