mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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