I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
