Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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