I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
