Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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