I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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