rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
