she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
