i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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