I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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