Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
