I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
