chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
