Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sorry about my life...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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