More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
