you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
